A day in the life of Brian

Day 45673
Every day is the same. Wake. Walk dog.Shower.  Eat breakfast. Smoke. Work. Get off. Walk dog. Eat food. Smoke. Sleep.
Repeat.
I'm a robot.

Laugh

Watch "Pizza gets revenge" on YouTube
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead.

Fear

The world around me is filled with violence.
First the violence of the other night, then my neighbors had a throw down fight before leaving to the west coast for two weeks. Then tonight i come home to an empty cop car beside my house. (To keep people from running the stop sign, I'm assuming) and other neighbors having a screaming match in the front yard.
And people wonder why I'm a hermit. Who wants to be subjected to that sort of drama. Not I.
And now for sleep. The sleep of the innocent.

Frustration

Standing in line at Wal-Mart. This is where the revolution will begin. Someone will get fed up with the mindlessness of all this and go ape-shit.
I've spent more time in line than i did shopping. Wtf?
I say we start letting the stupid people kill themselves off and we might be able to save our race.
Just a little irritated by all this. I would just leave except i need what I came for.
I got a new phone, a Samsung note ii. I fucking love it. It's huge. So much better.
I also started working seven days a week as I'm living alone again. And i have a puppy so I'm never home. I needed a computer i could take with me.
I've written all of this after checking fb, and Instagram. Seven lanes open at five pm. Stupidity.

Familiar

If I wanted something new, i would troll the college bars looking for daddy issues.
It's the same old song and dance. I never was good at dancing.
The wind is blowing so hard as to cut you in half. I want my summer weather here already.
What is familiar is comfortable. But to become comfortable is to become complacent. To become complacent is to give up and accept what's familiar.....
I was never good at following directions. Now i am falling asleep writing these coded messages for you to read. If you're smilin, well that's what i want to see.

Half truths and myths

No one wants to be alone.
Ask a mother who has been home all day alone with a child.
Every situation brings a different set of challenges. While on the outside i appear calm inside I'm adrift and lost. There is nothing anyone can do to help me find my way.
And that's what alone truly means. Being completely self sufficient. I live alone. No one pays any of my bills. No one takes care of me, and I'm fairly certain that outside of my family and a few close friends, no one really cares what happens to me. But that's life. There is no sense in crying about it. You accept it and move on. You find ways to be happy alone. You find ways to feel fulfilled. You get a dog for companionship. I really don't know why i got the dog. But he's mine and there is no going back.

Google reader is soon going to be shut down. It'll be the last time I have any contact with you. And life moves on.

As real as it gets

The shrill scream broke through the
Night air. Even the dog stopped.
The screaming stopped. It was followed by a sharp report. Once, twice, three times. Then silence. A door slams, and a car peals out.
I might have just witnessed a murder.
I walk the dog home and lock the door. I didn't witness shit.
I've become numb, i could care less about others. Humanity is trying to flush itself down the toilet. I say let it, and sit on the seat top so it can't claw it's way back out.
Love is nuts. You can't control it, you can't predict it. You can't even get rid of it. A hundred times I've said the same thing. Patiently waiting, living life. One day you'll find your courage. The courage to be happy.
Human beings weren't meant to sit inside all day. I read every single word. Like heroin for a junkie.
You aren't just in my bloodstream, you are the heart. You can't destroy something freely given.
The humidity is so thick you can reach out and touch it. Literally. It started misting to relieve some of the weight of the air. My air is already running. It's so warm.
This would be so much easier in text. But it always leads to the same. I cannot be the first. My conditions haven't changed. And so it's a Mexican standoff. But be warned, you can't deny the desire forever, it will consume you.
No smiles. No happy eyes.

The best artists, writers, directors, actors are all dark and suffering. They have a love lost that haunts them and motivates their works. It's the way it has to be. I could never be creative loved.

reflections on the water

"Time is endless." This was the thought that echoed through his head everyday. He wished time would speed up, but it drug on endlessly. It had as long as he could remember, and while that wasn't his entire life, it was pretty damn long. An eternity could have been shorter than his life.
His life had certainly felt it had lasted an eternity. He had suffer enough heartache to fill three lifespans. And yet he kept on living. He laughed sardonically, "Only the good ones get to die." That old polish asshole had told him that once. It kept surfacing in his mind, as if to mock him. "damn him," he muttered to himself. Not that there was actually anyone around. He had the park to himself on this cool afternoon.
He came here everyday. It was the park where they had met years ago, in that long distant summer. He didn't know then that she was the woman of his dreams, but he did know she was special. The way the light hit her hair making it shine with inner radiance, and her smile. He still saw her smile every time he closed his eyes.
He wasn't really sure if he came to the park to relive the memories of times they had spent there, or if he was hoping beyond hope to see her once more. Hoping that her spirit will appear and give him just a few more minutes of happiness.
He lowered his head, as usual, the tears had started falling. He didn't bother to wipe them away, he knew that there were more to come. Even after all these long years, his heart still ached with the loss of her presence. It never went away, and he dealt with it every single day. It was his burden, the price he had to pay for losing her.
He could feel a wail building inside of him. It was so strong, it went deep into his bones, the ache of love lost. He slumped down on the bench. He hoped it was time, that it was time to leave this world. She had left long before him. Years and years ago, in fact, no one he knew remained alive, yet he never could die. He had passed the century mark a long time past. Life just kept on going.
The tears had stopped, his shirt collar was soaked. He lifted his lowered head to see the sun sinking into the horizon. It would soon be time for him to go. The park would soon be closed, and he knew that he couldn't survive the elements. As he stood to go, he heard a whisper in the wind. It was her voice, whispering his name. He frantically scanned the area.
After what seemed like hours, he stopped searching for some sign of her and started slowly walking home. He missed her so much, he just wanted to go home.

Silence

I don't expect anything different. I don't expect anything to change.
I miss you constantly, like missing an appendage.  I know you should be there, but all I get is silence.
Some days I get mad at you.  Mad that you aren't with me. I know it's no one's fault, but that doesn't stop me. 
Life is a vicious circle. When I had given up, I met you. The perfect person for me.  And yet you are unavailable.  So why am I surprised? It's the story of my life. 
It's a good thing I won't live forever.  That's too long to spend without your love, your smile, your laugher.  Ooooohhhh how I miss you.

The Seductress

"Only two things in life are certain. Death and taxes."
The words echoed through his head. Sitting stuck in traffic, he kinda hoped it would be soon. This was ridiculous. But there was nothing to be done. He was a few miles from the next turn-off and that would probably be clogged with traffic as well.
As traffic inched along, he thought more about death. It wasn't exactly that he was obsessed with it, just that he thought about it a lot. A LOT. He justified this dark passion of his by saying that he didn't actually think about killing himself; more it was imagining how he would die.
Like sitting in traffic. He wondered how he would die right now if it was his time. Would it be a car plowing into the back of him, smashing him to bits? Maybe the hoopty in front of him had a gas leak and would all of the sudden exploded, the debris slicing ribbons through car and his body. Perhaps it would be something commonplace like a heart-attack from yelling at the moron in front of him that just cut him off. Or maybe it would be some crazy wack-job that comes alongside of him and sprays his car full of bullets. Just another random murder.
He thought about the consequences. Would he be missed? Would his family follow his wishes? Had he done enough to take care of the people he loved? (Even those who loved him back) Foot by foot he made his way through traffic, pondering all the different ways he could die. A car in front of him loses control, the driver dropped his taco. Would he be able to avoid the collision? Or would he perish in a literal blaze of glory?

(I have to stop here, I am so tired I am nodding off instead of typing.but then no-one really reads this, so I guess I am just writing this for my own pleasure)

Ohhhh to be a hermit

Yes that is the life for me.

Vanish

The voice inside screams louder. Time to hide. Disappear. Old faces bring memories that haunt. Better to forget. Fade away. I always said I was a ghost.
I knew the outcome was always going to be this. I knew it could never last. Happiness is a fleeting dream. One I never hoped to hold on to. You cannot expect something you know you were never meant to have.
So the voice screams to leave and it's time to vanish. The walls are complete, no one ever comes in again and I vanish. Change my number, change my name. Leave. Disappear.
But then, no one will ever really miss me.

Adrift

Adrift in a sea of loneliness. It's of my own making. I fault no one.
I can't even love my puppy, I know in the back of my mind he will leave me. Everyone does. The cold hard truth is we all die alone.
easier to get used to being alone than rely on someone who is never there.
I tried to say I rode off into the sunset, but all I see is darkness. But then there never was light in my soul.