and the silence was deafening

The silence was deafening. 
He thought for sure he would have heard something by now, but the quiet remained. 
Life was surreal nowadays.  Nothing had been the same.  The laughter was a little forced,  the smiles fake.  The pills made him go through the day, numb unfeeling. He just went through the motions,  the process of being alive. 
As he lay there,  he realized he would give everything up for a laugh.  A giggle.  The twinkle in her eye. Instead,  he found nothing. Just clicking of a keyboard. 
Silence. 
The memories just never went away,  like she was in his bloodstream,  in his head,  in his heart.  But unattainable,  like trying to hold the moon in your hands.  It seems possible until you try,  then you are left with nothing. 
Silence. 
He never understood why.  He knew the reasons, logically,  but his heart just cried.  And cried and cried. 
He found another and tried to pretend,  but realized that he couldn't ever fill that hole that she left. 
Silence.
It was deafening.  Maddeningly quiet and still.  He felt insane.  The pills only numbed him, they didn't remove the desire.  They didn't quiet the monster. It screamed to be realized, to be released,  to taste her. Her moisture,  her desire,  her seductiveness. He longed for the days when hours would go by without a word only to break the silence with a hello.
He dreamed of her in his arms,  of things they did,  the closeness they shared. 
Silence.
Life was a dream now,  maybe a nightmare. It was full of misery and sadness and longing. His life was full of regret.  And only she could solve it. 
Silence. 
It was all he had now.  All he knew. 
Better to fade away into the night, his desire wouldn't be controlled. 
Good night,  sweetness. Good bye, kind heart. 
He wished he could see her smile,  hear her laugh, kiss her mouth and hold her tight and never ever let go. 
Instead,  silence reigned. 
It was deafening.  

The silence screams the loudest

Round.  Cylindrical. I could see the grooves spiraling into the darkness.  Down and down. 
I squeezed the trigger.  Nothing happens.  Just like the last time.  And the 100 times before it.  It didn't work.  I've tried.
A simple thing really.  A stretched out spring.  A broken connection.  Minor things that I could repair.  Then bang.  The end would be sweet.  Sweet relief from myself.  Freedom from the world that no longer desires me.  Freedom.
Click.  Nothing happens.
I could try this a thousand times and nothing would change. 
Click.
There are other ways.  Messy, brutal.  Nothing quick.  Nothing quiet.
My long term desire have come to fruition.  I stopped caring about my health and am slowly dying.
Click.
The tragedy is that it won't happen fast enough. 
Tragedy.
That is my life.
Click.
Some get a comedy,  some get happiness,  some get satisfaction. 
I get the emptiness. I get the loneliness.  The desire to belong without ever letting anyone actually know me.  I'm too good at goodbyes.  I never say them.  I just disappear.
Click.
There's no leaving except this way now.
Click.
Click.
Click. 

Insanity, my old friend, I've come to walk with you again

Sober thoughts circle the mind at 2 a.m.
That which was, 
or that which was never meant to be.
 What was, isn't.
What will be remains to be seen. 
I am the ghost in the silence of the night,  forever wandering. 

End of my rope

I'm at the end of my rope.  Not sure if I can hold on or let go and get rid of the stress.

Missed occasions

Did you see me today? Standing behind you in line at the coffee store? I heard you order your skinny mocha latte with no foam.  I tried to pretend I hadn't.  The instinct to flee the situation rose hard inside me.  Maybe that wasn't you,  maybe it was my imagination. 
It wasn't though.  I'm not that lucky.  I had buried my face in the paper,  slowly moving forward like the rest of the sheep, hoping that i was wrong.  And then you begin berating the poor guy who made your drink wrong.  Why can't you be normal,  why can't you just order a coffee?
I left,  I couldn't stand it any more.  I didn't need the coffee anymore anyway.  I was awake now.  The blood pumping through my veins, ice cold,  like the breath of death was on my skin.  I could feel death laughing behind me, rejoicing in my discomfort; he does this often. 
I thought a walk would clear my head,  I didn't have to go far,  but it was far enough.  Three blocks in and I regretted my decision.  There you were ahead of me getting on a bus,  looking sad as wistful.  My heart ached and I wanted to go to you.  But I didn't move.  My mind refused to listen to the impulses of my heart.  My body continued walking. 
I don't know why I'm tormented with the sight of you.  Every time,  my heart skips a beat,  my pulse races,  and my mouth goes dry.  Am I that afraid to have to speak to you?
The walk was short,  yet seemed an eternity.  How was that even possible? How does time stop yet move forwards at the same time? I saw you every where I looked.  The woman on the bench resting.  The old man feeding the pigeons,  they were all you.  How could i be surrounded by you, yet feel so very alone?
I entered my building,  hoping my task would ease my sorrow.  I was wrong.  You can't escape your heart,  you can't escape your demons. You can't escape your past.  I rode the elevator in silence,  refusing to make eye contact with anyone,  I didn't want to see your eyes staring through my soul.  I rode past my floor three times without realizing it,  so lost I was in my sorrow.  I couldn't take it any more.  I walked past my desk and stared out the window.  I wonder what it would feel like to fly through the air.  Would I feel the stop at the end?
I realized that the tears were streaming down my face.  You have broken me.  I can't anymore.
I didn't remember reaching the roof,  I didn't remember stepping over,  I just hoped the pain would end quickly. 

On a leash

On a leash

The collar dug into her neck, choking her momentarily. This wasn't how her day was supposed to have gone. They were just going to meet for coffee. A quick meet and greet. Then they could from there. She was still fuzzy on what had happened, but not on the situation she was in. Naked, bound and being led into the woods, no this wasn't right at all.

He had seemed so nice, quiet, attentive, funny, attractive, the kind of guy who was dreamy. A catch for any woman, or so she had thought. Their conversation had been light, fun. She remembered going to the bathroom, coming back, finishing her coffee and then he suggested a walk in the park. She was into him, so why not? That's where things got fuzzy. She remembered walking into the park, but nothing else.

A hard tug on her leash brought her back to reality. Any other time, she would love to be bound and leashed, but this was scary. She risked raising her eyes to her abductor. It was the same charming guy, except now in the shadows, he seemed harder and more sinister. She didn't look long, the bruises from her earlier spanking reminder her not to look at him. Or escape. She had tried running earlier. She didn't get far before he had caught her. She still could feel the roughness of his pants on her breasts. She shivered, and felt her nipples harden. As scary as it was, he was turning her on.

Suddenly, they came into a clearing in the middle of the woods. The man came to a stop, pulling her leash so that she came to a stop beside him. He turned his head, and looked her up and down. She felt a gush in her loins, and fear in her heart. She was going to die here. He smiled as if he knew what she was thinking. She opened her mouth to scream again, even if he beat her senseless. But he was ready, before she could finish drawing a breath, he was shoving a ball gag into her mouth. Quickly, he fastened it behind her head before she could struggle. Bound, gagged, and completely at his mercy, she really got scared. This was it, she feared.

He started walking again, pulling on her leash, towards the center of the clearing. There lay a fallen tree, about knee height off the ground. It looked like a bench of sorts with an opening between the ground and trunk. Walking straight the trunk, he stopped in front, pulling her beside him again. Turning, he put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her to her knees. Then, using his weight, he pushed her against the trunk and pulled her arms over the top. Undoing the leash, he attached to her hand restraints and then pulled it underneath. Making her stand again, he bent her over the tree and pulled the leash tight, tying her to the tree. Her breasts were sore from the rough bark and hurting. She was bent over and her ass in the air spread open.

Once she was secured, he stood behind her, caressing her ass. She was frightened, and turned on. She wanted to be spanked so bad, wanted him to fuck her so hard, her pussy started leaking. It was what he was waiting for, acceptance. Anything to keep from dying.  She was terrified,  and eager,  excited beyond belief.

She heard him unzip his pants, and then heard them fall to the ground. She braced herself for the hard cock that she knew was coming, that she needed to come.

Slap!

The hand connecting with her ass surprised her.

Slap! The hand came again, harder. She came a little, her knees buckling slightly.

Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap!

He was alternating hands, hitting her quickly and hard, stinging, bringing tears to her eyes. Her pussy was pouring juices, her legs were wet. Then, with without any warning, he shoved his hard cock into her. Her pussy tightened around his shaft drawing him deep inside. She came, and came, her legs giving out. She was supported by his cock and the rough tree. It felt so good. He felt so good inside her. God, did she need this. Recovering, she stood and pushed her ass back into him, pushing his cock deeper inside her, saying fuck me, fuck me hard. Take me now.

He responded by pumping her hard. The motion was pushing her breasts into the rough, hard bark of the tree,  ripping the gentle skin of her breasts, causing them to bleed. She just bit the gag hard and let him fuck her. She would cum every few minutes, but he just kept thrusting. Finally, when she thought she just couldn't take anymore, he stopped. He pulled his cock from her soaking wet pussy. It was dripping with her juices. He walked around until he was facing her. Slowly, he removed her gag. She understood, she wanted to taste him, her juices on his cock. She wanted his cum in her, mouth or pussy, she needed it. She opened her mouth wide, he slid his cock in, all the way in, all the way to the back of her throat. She gagged a little, then relaxed and opened her mouth wider. He started thrusting, she could his balls tighten, and she started swallowing. He plunged in deep, and blew his load down her throat.

Finished, he stepped back and looked at her. Finally speaking, he asked one question, "are ready to come home with me?"

She froze.  It was a life.  She could possibly escape.  She wouldn't die here today.  She swallowed the cum in her mouth,  it was sweet as well as salty.  She could taste herself on her tongue.  She realized she no longer felt any fear.  She felt alive.  Her nipples burned,  her legs ached and she wanted to pee and lay down.  She also wanted to be fucked again.

She lifted her head and looked him in the eye.  “Only if you can fuck me until I beg you to stop.  Otherwise,  you aren't man enough for me.” As if on cue,  his cock started rising.  He smiled,  and started walking back behind her.  She felt his hand slide down her back,  pimpling the skin with his touch.  The sun was starting to descend and the temperature was dropping.  But her vagina was steaming.  She felt his hand glide down the sweat on her butt,  down the crack,  and to her swollen dripping lips.  She felt his fingers part her labia and slide into her.  She moaned,  desperate for the climax she deserved.  He thrust with such intensity she bit her lip,  drawing blood.  He pushed in so hard, her ass rose in the air and his balls slapped her clit. He pounded with an intensity that made the earlier sex seem like love making.  The only sounds were his grunting and the slapping of his balls against her.  Her eyes rolled back in her head,  her toes started to curl,  and the largest penis she had ever encountered was shoved into her mouth, choking her.  She came so hard,  she pushed the guy behind her out. Her eyes snapped open to see a monstrous black cock and balls being removed from her sore jaws.  She heard a deep voice say,  “I guess I need to fuck this Philly into submission. Come finish in her mouth again.  I'll make sure she always does what you say the first time.”

She got scared again,  she couldn't possibly fit him.  But as she opened her mouth to protest,  his member shoved itself into her throat.  Which muffled her scream as the black man shoved his monstrous cock into her wet vagina.  She didn't remember much after that,  the waves of pleasure were too intense and she blacked out at some point.

She came to on a mattress.  She was a little confused at first,  then she realized that both the men were on either side of her.  She contemplated escaping,  until she looked down at their nakedness.  Smiling she reached out and started stroking each one.  She was finally home.  And needed to be fucked again.  

Alone

He had never known what it really meant to be alone. But this was it. Truly and utterly alone. No one cared anymore, he had burnt all his bridges, eschewed all company. And he found himself here. Utterly alone.
He could hear the voices through the door, the laughter, the chatter, they knew not he was outside, he hadn't even been invited. But he had garnered that there was an occasion. He knew if he walked in, all conversation would stop. Like a shot fired, everyone would freeze and turn towards the door. He wasn't supposed to be there, he hadn't invited and they knew it. And he knew why. He was diseased in the mind, something wrong with him. No one wanted to say it out loud, but their stares, the silence spoke volumes. He was adapt at resting the body language. He knew he had become a pariah. So many years he had been on top, guiding the future. But once he fail, he no longer existed. They had all prospered from his work, grown rich and fat. But it was all forgotten in a moment.
He turned and walked away. They were right, he was nothing. And like nothing, he disappeared into the night. He was alone, it was his destiny, he never deserved anything different. That was what was meant to be. He embraced it, threw it over his shoulders like a cloak.
It was what was meant to be