Collars

She wore a pink dog collar. Nothing outrageous about it, but it caught his eye. He knew what it meant. He knew the significance behind it. And he was intrigued. So many questions, so many subjects to be discussed. Yet, his mouth was silent. No words coming out. Just the every day bull. Here's your pizza, this is your total. Another chance gone by.
An opportunity missed, and his life went on. Days, weeks passed, and he was there again. Same cute girl, same collar. Every time he saw her, he made up his mind to speak to get. Yet he never managed the words.
When he was home, he thought about all the things he could say. But face to face, he was silent. This was unlike him, he was never scared to speak his mind. Yet around her, he was a mute.
Maybe his interest was noticed, maybe she got tired of the silence.
Either way, he got a Christmas present.
She ordered on Christmas eve. He pumped himself up, determined to say something. It was Christmas, probably his best chance. He knocked on the door. He heard her voice faint, "hold on a second." He prepared himself, steeled his resolve.
She opened the door, wearing the dog collar. And nothing else.
Yet again, words failed him. But this time it didn't matter. She took matters into her own hands. Wearing only the dog collar, she took his hand and pulled him inside. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was beyond his wildest dreams. He opened his mouth to speak. She silenced him with a quiet shush and a finger to his lips. Taking the pizza bag from his hands, she set it on the table and turned back to him, dropping to get knees. He stood there frozen like a statue, as she unbuckled his pants and pulled them down, freeing his erect cock.
Not believing his luck, he was amazed as he felt her mouth cover his member, it was beautiful and majestic. It was liberating. He closed his eyes and relaxed to the sensation. It didn't take long and he was ready to go. Before he could make a sound to let her know he was close, she reached up and squeezed his balls gently, taking his whole length into her mouth. He could no longer hold back and blew his load deep into her throat.
Opening his eyes, he found her walking into the living room, beckoning him onward. Not sure what to expect after that, he went gladly. Never knowing the repercussions of what had just transpired.

Levels

I've reached a level of self disgust that I never knew was possible. The descent into the madness is going full steam ahead. I have no idea where it leads, I just know that no one else will suffer with me.

Hidden

Christmas. Everyone loves Christmas. Except for me. I guess I'm the scrooge of the lot. I used to love Christmas. But things change.
Office Christmas party. Being around a bunch of people that I don't like. Not my idea of fun. Time to disappear.
I hide away from the jolly. Just let me be. Christmas used to be special. Now it's just filled with three memory of failures. The things in life I once held dear long, long gone. Now, Christmas is a reminder what I no longer have.
Just leave me alone. Let me be. I want no part of your festivities. I want no part of your merry making. Just let me disappear into the dark corner so no one notices.
I'm good at disappearing. I never make any connections. Some days I even have to hide from myself.
I ask no sympathy, I have no regrets. Just painful memories that I can't erase. No matter what I try. So, go have your holiday. I'm going to crawl into a bottle until December twenty six.

Deafening silence

You knew it had to come. Nothing lasts forever. No one wants to be set aside and forgotten.
There is simply not enough time. Not enough time for me. I'm left quiet and alone. And if that's the case, I'd rather be alone.
I want someone who wants to spend time with me, wants to listen to me, talk to me, be with me. I deserve that and better.
I also know I'll never find it.
My desires mean nothing anymore. My love is one sided it seems. I can't keep standing up just to be pushed down.
Answers are always available, you just never wanted them.
My presence fades, but my heart never does.

Music

If you like folk music, you really need to check out iron and wine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGrcPRw6yYU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Alone

Only once you are truly alone can you begin to find yourself.
Once you are alone, you are free.
Build the walls higher,
Push everyone away.
Only when you're alone,
Can you find the silence you desire.

Little deaths

Every day was another death.
Something inside dying.
Before long, humanity would be lost.
He never have a thought.
He no longer cared.
His heart turned to ash,
his human nature past despair.
It was impossible to love,
When you have no heart.
No tear shed,
When lovers have to part.
Every day brought him
Closer to the end.
And all he could think of was release.

What you never knew

The light kept her warm. She was safe near the fire. It kept the bad things away.
He had been gone for so long now. The last thing she remembered was his hand fading into the dark.
Soon, he would come back for her, surely he would come back for her. She was scared being alone, the fire the only friend she had. It was dark outside the light of the fire, pitch black of a thousand endless nights.
She was scared of being alone. She was scared of what waited in the dark. Surely, he would be back soon.
She never thought about the way she treated him. The demeaning, the commands. Constantly ignoring, only to interrupt when he was busy. Involved in only herself, she saw nothing.
He faded into night, turning his back. Never coming back, he disappeared.

Lyrics to the music of my soul

"Hell And Back"

I held on as long as I could possibly
My blind faith pushing me to my knees
I felt the warmth of a touch
and it made me believe
I knew it well

I stood at the doorway hoping you might let me in
My head spinning 'round
My nerves jumping from my skin
I felt the stinging ragged cold of the devil's heart embrace
And I knew it well

And you took me to hell and back
How many times can I walk away from you
My mind's like a one way track
And every one is taking me back to you
And you tell me just one more time
and you'll lie like you always do
And I know it well

I must've walked a thousand miles or more tryin' to keep you off my mind
I've knocked on a thousand doors I'm sure, just to see what I might find
I slept in the arms of a fallen angel cryin' next to me
And I knew her well

And you took me to hell and back
How many times can I walk away from you
My mind's like a one way track
And every one is taking me back to you
And you tell me just one more time
and you'll lie like you always do
and I needed just one more lie then there's nothing that I can do
and I need it just one more time then I swear that I'll be through
And I know it well

And you took me to hell and back
My mind's like a one way track
And you tell me just one more time
and you'll lie like you always do
Yeah I know it well

And you took me to hell and back
How many times can I walk away from you
My mind's like a one way track
And every one is taking me back to you
And you tell me just one more time
and you'll lie like you always do
and I needed just one more lie then there's nothing that I can do
and I need it just one more time then I swear that I'll be through
Yeah I know it well
Yeah I know it well

"Sometime around midnight"
And it starts
Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's when
You lose yourself
For a minute or two

As you stand
Under the bar lights
And the band plays some song
About forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundcheck
To her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
You haven't seen her
For a while

But you know
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there's a change
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing
Like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies
Like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and homeless
And lost in the haze
Of the wine

And she leaves
With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her
She looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling
Your stomach in ropes
And when your friends say, "What is it?"
You look like you've seen a ghost

And you walk
Under the streetlights
And you're too drunk to notice
That everyone is staring at you
And you so care what you look like
The world is falling
Around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

And you know that she'll break you
In two