Mind

I wish I could make my mind stop,
Just for a precious few.
I wish I could stop
Thinking of you.

Such simple words,
A commandment or two
"don't think of me"
what else was I going to do?

I didn't need encouragement,
Sadly it's true.
Because I had already
Fallen in love with you.

No truer words
Have I ever spoken,
When I said you were perfect,
And no I wasn't joking.

Perfect for me,
In every regard.
A perfect match,
Like off a tarot card.

And now as I drift off
Into slumber fast.
I dream of the day
When I can hold you at last.

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Soloist

The wind blew chill across his skin, causing the hair to pebble up and stand on end. He knew he should go in soon, with this unusual cold weather, he would catch a cold. So cold a breeze for late April. Lately it had been so hot that he dreamed of a lazy river and camping. But tonight, he rubbed his arms and wished for a long sleeve shirt. He knew he should go in, but he sat there for a few minutes longer. 

He didn't want to go inside to the emptiness of this once happy home. The laughter seemed to echo around the walls. Voices faint, as if in another room, but when he opened the door, he never saw anything. For a long time he wondered if the house was haunted. He would lay awake for hours listening to the whispers. She sounded like she was always in the next room. But no matter how many times he got up and checked, she was never there. Just another empty room. 

He never knew life could be like this. This empty, this alone. He never imagined the effect one person could have on another. He never would have predicted the changes she caused him to make within his own life. All because he wanted to make her happy, he wanted to be the man she wanted him to be.

The air was chilling rapidly. He shivered a little. It really was time to go inside, but he stayed a moment longer. The sun was setting, it was her favorite time of day. The time when she woke up, she got her energy together. But it always seemed to be the time of day when he got tired. That's how it worked sometimes. In some ways they were opposites, he was the sun, she was his moon, his other half. 

Now with her gone, the fire was dying out. He kept going through the motions, but that was all it was, motions. He kept going because he held onto the hope that one day she would return, and they could live the life they were meant to. 

It was finally too cold to stay outside any longer. He was shivering uncontrollably. It wasn't extremely cold, but for someone who spent so much time in the heat that he did, it was frigid. It was time to go in and face the demons, the memories of a love lost, a love gone, and the emptiness of living alone. 

Music playing through my mind

That's exactly what this is. The music playing in my skull the last two days. Why does everything happen at once? Why can't I just deal with one thing at a time? Just schedule every crisis. Let's see, today is Tuesday. Billy isn't going to come to work today, and we have 300 pastries to do. Check. Ok, see, now I know what to expect. So much simplier.

(Wipe that grin off your face. We aren't smiling. We are commiserating and complaining. Sheesh. I can't get you to stop having happy eyes can I? That's it. I give up.)

My current theme song.

Here's another one.

One that sings to me

 And then there is the song that sings in my blood

confusion

Sometimes there are just
too many thoughts in my brain.
Bouncing and bounding,
ricocheting off the skull
and flying through membranes.

So many things I want to say to you,
words spoken and unspoken.
Yet I can't seem to find a start.
I can't seem to understand
and the mind keeps moving.

I have never felt so much
for any person before.
I am overwhelmed sometimes
by the intensity of feeling.
I ache for you.

But I must bide my time,
wait for my turn.
Silently and patiently,
yearning for you.
I miss you so.

I wish I could make the words rhyme,
make them fall in time and flow.
But I struggle to make coherent thought,
and I can only think of you.
So this is my poem.

Fog

The fog was rolling in. He loved the fog. It swallowed everyone indiscriminatingly. Everything was blanketed in a sea of grey. The storms had passed and cooled the upper air, but the humidity lingered and taunted like a jaded lover. You could sit out and the occasional breeze broke the sticky sweltering heat.

The fog was when he could escape. His soul free to travel, his body a mere empty vessel, free to any that had the desire to possess it. A daring risk, but one he welcomed with relish. Because he went to see his love on these foggy nights. And seeing her was worth any risk.

The tendrils of fog snaked through the cemetery, like a snake sliding through the grass searching for its prey. It slithered closer, swallowing tombstone after tombstone, vault after vault, sliding ever closer. He prepared his mind for departure, gathering his chosen form to himself. The wolf was always a favorite.

The fog slowly eased past his house, and with it carrying him away. Many miles his mind traveled on the wings of wind, racing through the cosmic space to reach the edge of time and back again. He reached her house as the fog started sliding through the trees.

Gathering himself, he called her name softly, knowing she would hear him no matter where in the world she was. It was a sound that resonated within her soul. It was the call of one half to the other. The completion of a being. Two becoming one. No amount of time or space could ever truly separate those joined so. His whisper echoed down her spine, waking her from her slumber. It raised her body to a sleeping position, it curled around her neck and slid past her neck, onto her lips with the gentle caress of a lover. Her body moved of its own accord. It recongized the call that her sleeping mind could not fathom. Her body knew the call of its lover.


She awoke to find herself on the porch staring out into the fog, just the memory of sound echoing in her heart. Who had called her name? Why was she outside? Again, he whispered her name, the wind giving it wings. This time, her waking body heard the call to her, she peered out into the fog. She knew he was there, she could feel him pulling her, like a magnet pulled towards north. It was as inevitable as the sun rising. No more could she deny her love. She gazed eagerly, hungrily into the fog. Unable to control herself any longer, she slowly went down the steps, pulling her sleeping gown up around her knees to ease her descent. The ground was cold to her feet and the fog had a chill in it. She unconsciously rubbed her arms as she stepped out into the fog. She knew he would come. He always had told her he would. When it was time. He had to be here, she couldn't go on any more. She couldn't continue to live this life without him, but she couldn't figure out how to leave to be with him. And so she bore her agony in silence, waiting for him to come. Waiting.


She had come within feet of him. Using his remaining energy, he changed his form back into that which she recongized. He knew that this would make getting back home difficult, but he had to touch her face one last time. To taste her lips one last time, to feel her embrace one last time. Tomorrow may never come, but today, now he was here. He whispered her name once more.


She heard him with blinding accuracy. The fog swirled and there he was, standing in front of her, arms outstretched, waiting for her. She ran without care straight into his arms. At last! He had come for her. It was time for her to leave, he was going to take her home and make her happy, fill the void inside her and be everything she needed. Her tears left trails down her face as she cried with joy.


His heart was withering and dying inside him even as he held her so tightly. How could he tell her he had to go. That he couldn't take her with him. She had to leave on her own, or it could never be. How to tell her that he was simply a spectre, a mere beam of light. That he really didn't exist here and now. How to tell her anything other than he loved her.That he was waiting with open arms. That he was always there for her.


Life never was easy.

Only when you let go, do you find control

The wind blew in a summer storm. But he paid it no mind. He paid attention to nothing except the phone. He would stare for hours waiting for it to ring. He knew that one day she would call, she would text. It is what kept him going, the knowledge that one day she would call. 

He paid no attention to the number of days that had passed. They mattered not. The only thing that mattered in his world was her. His world had become a world of waiting. He went through his days a zombie, a robot just going through the motions. Get up, shower, go to work, get off, come home, eat, and then find things to occupy his time. Things to keep his mind off her. But nothing ever worked. Nothing filled the void that she had left in his world. 


"You complete me." Words once said on a movie somewhere that he had watched at some point. Memories were hazy, if they didn't include her. Time and place no longer mattered. Just her. He never understood those words until he had met her. Everything he had thought he once understood had gained new meaning in her presence. He learned what contentment was, what it was like to be completely and utterly at ease with someone. To trust and love completely. Being with her had opened new worlds for him. It had given him a new life, and made him wish for a longer one, just so he could spend it with her. 


She was his angel, his goddess. He loved her so much. The little things she did. The little girl voice when she wanted something, the biting of her lip, the look in her eye when she said his name. Those memories were burned into his soul. She was as much a part of him as his heart. She beat inside him, and flowed through his bloodstream. They had become one. Joined truly and forever.


But then she had left. So suddenly. A brief good-bye and then gone. For days afterwards, he wandered in a daze, lost to everyone. Only she could return him to himself. But she never came. And slowly he came back. But he was a ghost of his former self, a wraith flitting between this world and the next. When she left, she had taken his heart and locked it away. Only she had the key to free his love again. 


And so he waited. Checking the phone every few minutes, wearing down the battery, looking for some sign of her, some word. He longed for the sound of her voice. He heard it calling in his dreams, he felt her pulling his heart hard, begging him to save. But how could he save her if he didn't know where she was! His dreams haunted him, slumber brought back all the memories, and the loss. 


His phone vibrated. "Was it her?" He desperately checked his phone. No, just another useless email. So much he wanted to say to her. To tell her that he still loved her. That he was waiting with open arms and a smile on his mouth. That he was always going to be waiting. How could any other compare to her?


She knew everything about him. All of his darkest secrets, his deepest desires. She knew what drove him, and how to please him. She knew how to excite him, and how to calm him down. She was strong when he needed her, even hundreds of miles away, standing beside him at one of the hard times in his life. She was weak and needed her "Daddy", and only he could be that for her. She completed him on levels he never knew existed until they spoke about it. He always said she was perfect for him. 


Still he waited. For now, and forever. 

I will always wait chere.

laughter

It's the middle of the night,
I should be in slumber.
Laying awake in bed,
with thoughts of you.
Work comes in such a few hours,
yet nothing compares to you.
The screams in my soul,
have left me tired.
The screams of your name,
have left me hoarse.
My soul is incomplete.
A skeleton key to unlock the passion,
a lifetime to know the pleasure.
I should be in slumber,
but my dreams are just of you.

Storm

The clouds rolled in front of the sun. 

The afternoon rain was coming in. 
Predictable as a train. Every afternoon at this time. He longed for this time.
He missed her so much. But that was the way life was, and he just had to continue on. There are just some things that are out of your control. He had done everything he could. Everything humanly possible. 
But she was still gone.

The thunder rumbled. The storm was fast approaching. He sat and waited. It was his only time. His only time to be by himself. 
The only chance he would have to let go. To let the rain wash away his pain, his torment. He felt so lost without her. Like a piece of him was gone, lost forever. 
The sadness threatened to overcome him. 



The lightning flashed hard, white. Across the sky. The sky was now pitch black with the impending thunderstorm. The wind whipped around his body, carrying away all sound. Carrying away the screams of loss, the scream of her name.





The sky opened with a deluge of water, soaking everything. Large, fat droplets that splattered as it hit the ground. Like his heart, they shattered as they hit the ground, Faster and faster and FASTER they came. And with the torrent of rain, so came the tears. He collapsed to the ground, the water from his tears mingling with the rain, washing away his pain, washing away his tears. 

He had no idea how long he laid there, weeping. He knew no matter how hard he cried, it wouldn't bring her back. It wouldn't correct this wrong. It wouldn't heal this hurt. 
He laid there until the rain quit, and with it the tears. He would sit up and go inside and clean up. Live his life pretending everything was ok. Pretending to be fine until the next rain storm when he could find relief, even if it was as fleeting as the rain.

Moving. On?

"Move On" you said.

Like it is so easy. 
Like one can simply snap one's fingers and make it all disappear.
All those times I said I loved you, I didn't mean them.
All the nice things I did because I loved you, yeah, I didn't mean them.
Is this what you want to hear?
Do you think this is easy?
Do you think I want to do this?
I love you and want to be with you.

"Forget me" you said. 

Tell me how.
I don't know. I try and try and try. And I still get sad. I feel lost and alone and afraid. I miss your laugh. I miss talking with you. 
How do you forget a smell? How do you forget a touch? How do you forget the whisper of your name in tones of a lover? No one else can compare. 
So why even try?


Move on. 
To what?
Am I supposed to find something better? 
When you are the person I wanted to be with, how can I find another to compare? 
Even when I try, I can't really put my heart into it. For my heart belongs to you. You have the key. 






 And that is my life. A love lost and never to be obtained again. My great white buffalo. I will love you always buffalo.

Mind

I can't seem to get you off my mind,
It's like a record spinning in time.
You consume my thoughts with passion,
Makes me want to take action.

I miss you so.
I can't seem to let you go.
I wait by the phone
and feel so alone.

I wait to see a blinky light,
I hate that it ended with a fight.
I wish you could hear me say
That I want to wake up next to you every day.

I wish for so many things,
I wish I could have given you a ring.
I wish our love could have been true,
now I am alone and blue.

A poet I will never be,
loving you I stay, endlessly.
I wish I could move on
start life with a new dawn.

But the fire in heart remains,
my love for you stays the same.
Forever my days I will roam,
with you will always be my home.

Eyes

Her eyes bore holes into my soul. I could feel them weighing and measuring every single molecule of my essence. I broke my gaze away. 

I couldn't take it.
 
I couldn't expose my soul in such a way. What would she think of me? Would she see all my flaws, my imperfections? Would she see the darker side I keep locked deep inside? Those eyes bored into my skull. I could feel them waiting.

How could I look her in the face? While I have done nothing wrong to her, that doesn't mean I don't have my secrets. I have things that you hide from the light of day, that you never let anyone see. Life is full of layers. Each person gets only so far into your layers. Some are closer than others.

Her eyes were tugging at mine, begging for me to connect. To share with her all my secrets. But to do so would burn away all the layers. To do so would be to trust. And trust has always led to hurt. Like a dog in Pavlov's experiment, I know that this bell brings pain. But to not trust is to be alone, to die.

The eyes were screaming at me now, full of tears and hurt. She can't understand what she has done to make me avoid her gaze like this. She knows she has hurt me - but I have forgiven , and she knows she will again. But for now, for now she just wants to look lovingly into my eyes and see that love returned. How could she know the turmoil inside? How could she know the demons I battle?

I can no longer hold back, my love for her is so strong. Knowing that she will hurt me, knowing that she will leave, I raise my eyes. I meet that golden gaze and bear my soul. 

I can do no less.