The legend of Durt McGurten, as told by B.Z. Whiddum.
Chapter one
Fred stood up and stretched. It was hot today, and he wasn't as young as he used to be. And this fence row wasn't fixing itself. Fred sighed. He was a bit disappointed. He figured that by now society would have advanced enough by now to make manual labor easier. But it was still what it was. Manual.
Popping his back, Fred paused. He could here the shuffle of little footsteps trying to sneak up on him. That boy would never learn. "I see you, Jellybean.” Fred called out. The steps froze instantly. Busted. Laughing out loud, Fred pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the sweat from his face. "Boy, are you ever going to give up on trying to sneak up on me?" Fred turned towards the youngster.
Jellybean was a precocious boy of about seven, curly brown hair, freckles and a lopsided grin. To Fred, he was the splitting image of his dad, his grandmother, and his grandpa. Fred shook his head. It was hard seeing so many people in one child. Jellybean was average height for a ten year old. Meaning he was big. Just like his daddy. Fred thought about his big friend Durty, oh the memories those two had made. Fred chuckled.
Jellybean looked at his "uncle" curiously. He wanted to know what was funny. Being the young lad he was, Jellybean had no troubles articulating this exact thought. Fred paused, thinking before he spoke. The boy was getting more and more curious about his daddy every day. Sooner or later, Jellybean would learn the truth. Fred thought it was best that it come from him. He just had no idea how to go about that.
"Well, son, I was thinking about something your daddy did once, and well it was funny." Fred said.
Fred's response wasn't really adequate, but it was the best he had at the moment. But he now had Jellybean's attention fully. "Will you tell me about my daddy?" Jellybean asked.
Jellybean wanted to know. Fred was quiet for a moment, then he replied "There's a lot to be said about your daddy, Jelly. It's going to take me a long time to tell you about him. I've got a fence to fix today. How about another time?"
Jellybean's face fell. He was crushed. The boy was so desperate for anything about his daddy, that Fred couldn't help but take pity on him. "I'll tell you what, Jelly, you help me with the fence, and I'll tell you about your Daddy. How does that bargain suit you?" Fred offered. Ecstatic, Jellybean promised to do anything asked. It was hard to deny the energy of youth.
Picking up his hammer and directing Jellybean on what Fred needed, he started talking slowly. "I would say that to know your pops, one needs to go to the beginning. But I'm not sure your dad ever had a beginning. We went to school together, but I only started hanging out with your dad once he was already grown. And while I know he had a childhood, I'm sure your granny was glad when it was over." Fred chuckled.
Jellybean was enthralled. He was hanging on every word that Fred spoke. Instructing Jellybean on what he wanted him to do, Fred continued speaking as they worked.
"Your daddy was quite the character in his youth, Jelly. That S.O.B. got me in more trouble than I can count. He got me beat up, chased by a mob, chased by the cops and put in jail. And that was all in the same summer." Fred smiled, continuing. "Hanging out with your daddy was always a roller coaster ride. I think I should give you fair warning that there are stories I just can't tell you until you are much older. In fact, in not sure if there is much I can tell you right now."
Jellybean's face fell. The look in his eyes was almost more than Fred could bear as the boy brought his gaze up to meet Fred's. The boy was good, Fred have him that.
"Now, don't get your panties in a wad," Fred quickly spoke to Jelly, trying to keep the boy from getting disheartened. "Pull that line of barbed wire tight," he instructed Jellybean. Taping a nail into the fence post, Fred spoke as he worked. "I said there were some stories, but not everyone. First thing you have to understand is that I started hanging out with your pops in the end of his senior year in high school. He, we, were a bit wild in those days. I was out of school, between bouts of college, working as a painter. We started hanging out because we both smoked weed and he had a connection and I didn't. Turns out I knew his connection and we were friends, but that's a whole other subject." Fred had the boys entire attention as they worked down the fence row stringing more barbed wire.
"Back in those days, your pops was a bit of a ladies man. Now a days, he just takes whatever lady he can find." Fred said wryly, chuckling. "You got a girlfriend, Jelly?" Fred asked.
"No, girls are gross!", came his reply.
But there was a slight hesitation before he spoke. Fred knew that meant. "Mmmm-hmmm." Fred grunted out, pulling the strand tight before handing to Jelly, as he tacked it in. "Well, knowing your pops, it won't be long before you are. Anyway, where was I?" Fred asked, momentarily losing track of his story.
"You were telling me about my daddy being a whore." Feeling grownup, Jellybean tried to slip in a dirty word.
Fred was quick to respond. "Boy, your granny here you speak like that, and she'll tan your back side." Feeling the boy was sufficiently chagrin, he continued on with his story.
"So, one Friday, shortly after I started hanging out with your pops, I came over to his house after I had gotten off work and cleaned up. It was just getting dark when I got there. I went inside and spoke to UNC, your grandpa whose no longer with us, then went to find your pops. Our friend, Clean, said he was in his room fooling around with this girl. So I was like, OK, and we just chilled in the living room smoking weed and waiting on your pops. Just as your dad came out the room with the girl, we saw headlights pulling into the drive. Clean went outside to see who it was, while we were talking and smoking. All of the sudden, Clean ran in and told Durty that one of his girlfriends was there."
Fred chuckled, continuing, "It was instant pandemonium after that. Clean went back out the back door to head off the girlfriend, while Durty took the female friend out the front door, cause she lived upstairs. No sooner had he exited than girlfriend one came barging into the living room yelling at Clean that she knew Durty was cheating. She accused me of being involved and while we were all fussing, your pops snuck back into his room, and proceeded to come out of his bedroom as if that was where he had been all along. Immediately assuming there was another girl in his room, she burst in looking. Durty followed her, shutting the door and going in. You could hear raised voices and then they quieted down. We, drunk Barry, Clean, me, and your aunt all kind of looked at each other relieved. I suggested we get high, and everyone was in agreement. But before we could start the process, Durty came flying out of room, telling me to go outside and head off girlfriend 2. So outside I went, talking to girlfriend 2, who we had plans with that night. She wants to come inside, I'm telling her your pops is in the shower, trying to buy him time. She wasn't having any of it. So in the backdoor we came. While this was going on, female friend came back in the front door. The situation had reached a head, and doing the only thing he could think of, Clean yelled out, "Oh, shit, it's the cops.""
Shaking his head, Fred looked at Jellybean and continued. "Now you gotta understand that at this time, I had weed on me - which was illegal then. So I took off, Durty took off, female friend turned right around and went back upstairs. Girlfriend 2 ran out the backdoor behind us, leaving your aunts and Clean inside and girlfriend 1 in your pops room. I followed Durty and before I knew it, we were under the house next door hiding. After a few moments, we started conferring and looking. We saw girlfriend 2's car leave, then we heard girlfriend 1 calling us and Clean laughing as he searched for us. Once he got close and assured us that there no cops, we crawled out from under the house. A short discussion later, we were all informed of what was going on. Durty got girlfriend 1 gone, and we eventually met up with girlfriend 2 to go to a party. Where your pops spent most of the night trying to explain what happened without getting in trouble."
Standing up and stretching, Fred looked at the sky. It was getting dark, and they were done here. Wrapping up the story, Fred decided to impart a moral here. "So, the whole point of this story is that when you do decide to start dating girls, just keep it to one at a time. It's much easier that way. Hopefully, this way, you won't find yourself trying to hide under a house from a girlfriend." Fred smiled, Jellybean was vigorously nodding his head.
Picking up his tools, Fred spoke, "Come'on, Jelly, let's go in. I bet you're granny has us a hot meal waiting for us."
