Bad dreams

The visions filled me with dread. I woke, sacred, alone, confused. Reality or slumber no longer mattered, the fear was real.
I've worked so hard to get where I'm at. The life that I live. My external trappings, the way to measure my worth. Gone. And all I could do was helplessly watch. Retaliation would end in subjection. Prison.
The fear was palatable. I could taste it in my mouth. I could feel it's stench emanating from my skin. What could I do? Powerless. I've never felt so weak.
Not even when I left, not when I forced myself to turn my back. I've dealt with the repercussions. I live with nagging sense of emptiness. I know defeat. I know loss. I know pain. These are constant companions. But I fear little.
And yet here I am, one a.m. Nervous and afraid. I want someone to hold, but know I will never let anyone close. I still remember your laugh, the way you smiled. The smell of your skin, the wonderful feeling I got with you lying beside me in slumber.
Fear.
The unknown of losing control. The unknown.
I fear I've gone on too long, exposed more of myself than intended.
I fear it's already too late.