The silence screams the loudest

Round.  Cylindrical. I could see the grooves spiraling into the darkness.  Down and down. 
I squeezed the trigger.  Nothing happens.  Just like the last time.  And the 100 times before it.  It didn't work.  I've tried.
A simple thing really.  A stretched out spring.  A broken connection.  Minor things that I could repair.  Then bang.  The end would be sweet.  Sweet relief from myself.  Freedom from the world that no longer desires me.  Freedom.
Click.  Nothing happens.
I could try this a thousand times and nothing would change. 
Click.
There are other ways.  Messy, brutal.  Nothing quick.  Nothing quiet.
My long term desire have come to fruition.  I stopped caring about my health and am slowly dying.
Click.
The tragedy is that it won't happen fast enough. 
Tragedy.
That is my life.
Click.
Some get a comedy,  some get happiness,  some get satisfaction. 
I get the emptiness. I get the loneliness.  The desire to belong without ever letting anyone actually know me.  I'm too good at goodbyes.  I never say them.  I just disappear.
Click.
There's no leaving except this way now.
Click.
Click.
Click. 

Insanity, my old friend, I've come to walk with you again

Sober thoughts circle the mind at 2 a.m.
That which was, 
or that which was never meant to be.
 What was, isn't.
What will be remains to be seen. 
I am the ghost in the silence of the night,  forever wandering.