Weeping

I weep,
for the family I will never know.
For the laughter of children I will never have,
for the wife that will be mine.

I weep,
for the life I dream of,
the job that I love
and money I will never have.

I weep,
for the fullfillment of being a father,
for the satisfaction of being a lover,
for the reward of supporting my family.

I weep.

And no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop.
So I put on my mask and face the world.
A joker on the outside, dying on the inside.
What masks do you wear?

Silence

In silence I watched her, a ghost shadowing his love, forever chained to this earth by her. I could not speak to her, for to do so would undo this spell. And so I force myself to not speak.

Oh, the things I wanted to say. How much I missed her, how good she looked, how I liked her hair, how I love looking deep into her eyes. All these things and more, yet my mouth moved not.

I wanted to run to her, and sweep her off her feet. Kiss her deeply and hold her tight. Whisper sweet promises into her ear, tales of what the future holds. I want to hear her laughter, softly caressing my ears, filling my heart with joy. I want to drink her in until I have had my fill and cannot drink anymore, for surely that will be my death.

I remained silent and did nothing. No eye contact, no smiles, stoned faced. She noticed, she watched, I knew. I can't change some things, so I just take what I can get.

My eyes were overjoyed, they got to drink her in. My ears rejoiced with her laughter. My soul screamed her name. My lust cannot be sated.

Such is life.

Lust

He stared at her longingly across the room. It had been months since they last spoke. She had told him then that she never wanted to see him again. And while it had broken him, he loved her so much he gave her what she wanted.

In all those months, he had never called, never wrote, no e-mails. Nothing. He ached every day to know her touch again, to hear her voice again, to hold her in his arms and look deep into her eyes. She wouldn't have to say a word, the love would either be there, or it wouldn't. It would answer all his questions. He just knew it.

But it wasn't meant to be. She never tried to get in touch with him, and while his passion never dissipated, time had numbed its hold on him. He had started moving on with his life, but he could never forget. There were many nights when he would wake calling her name. But she was never there to comfort him.

And so life went, the months had gone on forever it seemed. Then a casual invite to a party, a friendly gesture by a co-worker and there she was. His angel, his mistress, the object of his desires, right there before him. But out of touch.

Of course he could say nothing to her. What was there to say? "I miss you. I need you"? She wouldn't even make eye contact. If he stared any longer at her, it would be noticed and commented on. You didn't look at someones wife with that kind of intensity. It started trouble that he didn't need.

A waiter walked by with glasses of champagne. He grabbed two, downing the first, he started looking around. He had known this party was a bad idea, but he acquiesced to his co-workers repeated invitation. Over the last few months he had withdrawn into himself. He just didn't feel like part of the world anymore. He knew something was missing. But didn't know how to fix it. The obvious solution to him simply wasn't a solution at all, and just would create hundreds more problems.

Finding no one else that he knew in the crowd, he moved to the balcony. He needed some air. He wanted to leave, but to do so this early, and without speaking to his co-worker (the host), would just be a rudeness he would never stand in himself. Tortured, he fled outside to gather himself and pass a few minutes. He was hoping she would move away to another room, or leave, he didn't care which, but her mere presence was distracting him to no end.

As he crossed the room, he could feel her eyes following him like laser beams. He emerged outside and went immediately to the railing, setting his drink down on a table as he passed. He simply couldn't breathe. Grasping hold of the railing with one hand, he pulled his tie loose with the other. He was shaking, he couldn't believe the effect she had on him. Months, almost a year since he had touched her, and she was causing him to have an anxiety attack.

Putting both hands on the railing, he leaned forwards taking in gulping deep breaths, From behind him, he heard, "Really? You would jump just at the sight of me? Do I cause you that much disgust?" Her voice froze him in place. "Surely this was a dream. This couldn't be happening." he thought. His heart was thundering in his ears. He had the idle thought that "this was it, this is how I go".

Before he could gather himself to answer, she spoke again, this time in a low voice where only he could hear her, "No, love, this is no dream. I am no ghost. I am here, right now. Turn around and look me in the eyes, and you will know." 

Slowly he turned, she was standing inches from him, her face so close that he was staring directly into her eyes. He could see the tears streaming down her face, the mascara running. He opened his mouth to greet her, but before he could she shushed him with her finger. 

Once silent, she spoke again, this time in a barely audible whisper. "The day you left, my heart died. I realized my mistake shortly after you walked out the door. I longed for you to call, to write, to return. I knew you would. But you didn't. I have been living every day with the loss of you. As the months went by, I figured I would never see you again. But my friend Vivine invited me to this party, basically dragged me here. I didn't understand why until I saw you walk in the door."

He reached up and gently wiped the tears from her face, but said nothing, waiting for her to continue. "I couldn't breath when I saw you. My whole world stopped. It all came crashing down. I don't know what to do, my life is so messed up..." she trailed off, words failing her, the emotion inside was so strong.

He smiled, and spoke gently. "Tonight is tonight, tomorrow is tomorrow. Let us live tonight for tonight and tomorrow will wait until tomorrow." And with that, he lifted her chin and kissed her so deeply.

Ice

The water stung it was so cold. It felt like drops of fire on his skin. It was electrifying. It let him know he was alive.


Stepping fully into the shower, the cold water ran down his skin in rivulets. Gently washing away all the sweat and filth he had accumulated. He never really understood how he got so dirty when he tried to stay so clean, but the fact always remained. 


Bracing himself, even though his skin was already going numb, he pushed his head into the shower's spray. He experienced an intense shiver as his body's core temperature drop, but only momentarily, and then it started to cool down. 

The water felt good after the hot, humid day he had been through. He could feel the dirt wash out of his hair. He lathered with shampoo and seemed to feel each hair come clean as the water rinsed away the day. 


His shivering had subsided, his skin was white and pale. He knew that this was an effect of the water, he was normally a healthy tan. But with the lighting and the cold water, he seemed to be different. His skin reminded him of her, of how she had looked laying there cold, unresponsive. He could never forget that image, it was imprinted into his brain.


After washing off all the dirt, and cleaning his hands thoroughly, he ran his hands through his hair, he could feel the locks slide easily between his fingers. His hair was long, it was time to get it cut. Or maybe not. He wondered if he could grow it out again. 


His eyes came back into focus on his blue fingertips. It was time to get out before he did himself damage. Shutting off the water, he stepped from the shower into the humid air, immediately sweating again. All the benefits of ice, gone.

Doctor Who?

He had no idea how long it had taken to get to town. Sleep deprivation had blurred everything together. He was no longer sure where he was, but he knew what he needed to do. The burning desire to save her life had given him the strength he needed to get her here. Now, he just had to find the doctor.


Pulling the reins to stop Annie in front of the Doctor's office, he looked back to his love. She seemed the same as before, warm to the touch, and pale. He knew that she needed to see the doctor right away, he hitched Annie to the railing, and hurried as fast as he could to the door. 


Thrusting it open, he peered inside to see women's dresses. This wasn't the doctor's office. As he was gathering his wits, and they were scattered, a large woman came towards him, angrily yelling and waving her arms. Not sure if he was dreaming, or if this was really happening, he peered at the woman, confused as to what she was saying. Finally, her words sank through his sleep-addled mind, she was yelling at him to "shut the door to keep the flies out."


Shaking his head in bewilderment, he struggled to get a word in with the loud large woman yelling at him. The woman paused for breath, and before she could continue, he asked her where the doctor was. The woman stared at him for a minute, as if not quite sure he was playing with a full deck, and told him that the doctor had passed away 2 years ago. She had just bought this building a few months ago. She then started going on about the state the building was in.


Inside he was reeling. The doctor was dead? This couldn't be. He had to have help for his love. And NOW!


"Shut Up!!!" he screamed at the woman. Every head turned towards him, the room was deathly silent. He had crossed the line of decency, but he no longer cared. She was going to die if he didn't get help. 


Explaining that his love was really sick, and needed help, he asked where he could find help. As he told his story, the large woman's face softened and she took pity on him. She told him about the wise woman who lived three streets over. She told him how to find this medicine woman, and how to ask for her help - as she was reclusive.


Then, she ushered him to the door, to help him out and point him in the right direction. Peering into his wagon, she asked him again about his love. "She's right there," he replied frantically, "I need to get her to this medicine woman." The large woman gave him a sharp look as he replied and stared at him for a long second. Finally, she nodded her head, and said simply, "Go." He left in a hurry, quickly untying Annie and heading away, guiding Annie. There wasn't much room where he was going. It would be better this way.


The large woman watched him lead away his horse and the cart. Then she turned around and shut the door. Looking at the other ladies in the room, she said, "I really hope Sadie can help him. There wasn't anyone in the back of that cart. There was nothing but old rags bundled together." The rest of the ladies looked at her in shock. The large woman just nodded her head in agreement. 

Drifts of sleep

The feeling of being stopped is what first woke him from his slumber. It was not the motion he expected. He should be traveling. Going forward. Stopped was the exact opposite of what should be going on. He had to get her to the doctor. 


That thought snapped him back to life. Sitting erect, he looked around bleary eyed. Annie had stopped walking, she was a naturally lazy animal and if he wasn't going to push her, she would just as soon stop by the side of the road to graze than to pull a heavy cart. 


He gazed towards the sun and then back to ground, trying to judge the shadows. He had no idea how long he had slept, and even though he needed it, he knew he had burned valuable time. He spun around and checked on his love. She was comatose, in a shallow, restless sleep. The fever made her skin warm to his touch. He gently cupped her mouth and poured a little water into it, making her drink some water. He had to keep liquids in her, or she would burn up. 


Satisfied that he had done everything he could to make his love comfortable, he clucked the reins, and Annie started heading towards town, again. He wasn't entirely positive how long he had been asleep, but he didn't think it had been more than an hour, the sun hadn't risen that much. He knew he had to hurry, but if he made the mare walk any faster, she would wear out, and jar his love in the back. 


The slow pace, though, was lulling him into a sleep he could ill afford. He had to get her to the doctor. The longer he waited, the worse it would get. He couldn't lose her. She was his everything, his reason to go in the mornings, his reason to come home at night. He toiled for their well-being, he felt like a man. 


To keep himself awake, he thought back to the first time he realized he loved her. She was dancing to the music of her soul in the moonlight. He had known then that this being, this wonderful, smiling, glorious creature was the light of his life and the balance of his soul. There never would be another. 


From that day forth, he had devoted his life to the betterment of hers. Her wish was his command. He loved her so completely. He left his kooshy job in the city and moved to the country so that they could live free. 


Shaking his head in irony, he thought about the current situation. Having to ride in a cart with a horse to a doctor that is hours away in a town far away. And all for what? To live free? His dreams were rapidly becoming his worst nightmare. 


Looking back to check on his love, he knew that he had to shut that train of thought down. Any negative thinking would be his doom. He had to stay focused and positive so that he could save her. Clucking the reins to hurry Annie along a little faster, he worried about what was wrong with his love, and how he was going to be able to help. It was all that he could.

The gardener

He really wasn't sure when it began. His fascination with growing things. He always had some sort of plants growing up, ivy, petunias, a bonsai tree even at one point. It was his connection to nature in a world so distant from what it should be. A world alien to him. He longed for the open woods. To live in nature as it was intended.

He first saw her at the nursery. He had gone in to get some roses. He had grown so many different type of flowers that he wanted to plant a rose garden. She caught his eye as she bent down to smell a delicate pink rose. His heart was won in that instant, for him it was love at first sight. He could think of nothing else. She stood up straight and looked right at him. He had never felt so exposed before. It was as if she could see into his soul.

After looking at him for a full minute, staring him straight in the eyes, she smiled. His world exploded with that smile. She was an angel. Her dark hair framed a face that delicate but lively, full of life. Her eyes glowed in the dimmed light of the greenhouse, they seemed golden. They entranced him. Breaking away, she turned lithely and pranced away. He watched go, speechless, frozen like a deer in headlights. He had never had an encounter with a female like this before. He knew them from school, but he had kept to himself. He didn't have friends. The plants were his friends. They never complained and they always responded to loving care.

Coming back to himself, he watched her walk into the back, it seemed she worked there. He knew that he would be back every chance he could get. He bought the roses he had come for and went home, planting them for her. He had made sure to buy the very ones she had been smelling. He started his garden for her.

It went on like this for weeks, turning into months. He never could bring himself to ask for her, but every week he came into the store, buying whichever flower she was nearest or in those rare instances when she helped him, he bought whatever she suggested. He could never speak to her though, he was so shy. He simply nodded. Occasionally, he could force out a few words about what he needed. But it was so hard, and there was absolutely no way he could ever manage to work up the nerve to ask her out.

After about a year of this, he made his normal purchase, more roses this time - delicate white ones, he needed them to fill out his garden, he accidentally left his wallet at the store. It just so happened that she found it. She had always thought he was a strange but attractive man. He seemed so shy and innocent, and she could tell that he clearly was infatuated with her. She liked him enough that all he needed to do was ask her out, and she would go. But he never did.

"This is my chance," she thought. "I can go see his home and see where he is putting all those flowers. I can go see what's going on. Then I will know how to approach him." So, after work, she gathered her things and headed out. It was a drizzly day, but that never stopped her before. She tucked his wallet into her jacket pocket and put on her helmet. She loved driving her scooter, it was so economical, and she loved the feel of the wind on her face.

She was moving along at a good pace when the truck came out of nowhere. She never saw it coming. Her last thoughts were that she would never see this beautiful garden he had been creating. She really wanted to see that.