Life passes

Warning, this is a work of fiction. If you can't handle it, don't read.


It was hard to think. His brain was cloudy. His thoughts were dis-coherent and scattered. He knew that he shouldn't be here. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he had no idea how to stop it anymore. He was lost in the sea.

He never thought he would be here, now, in this situation. It was insane to imagine that this is what life was. A collection of sad experiences that had taught him to distrust and be wary of others. It was only when he let down his guard that things ended up this way.

The metal was hard and cold in his hands. He held it gingerly, not really sure why he was holding it. Everything was fuzzy. How did he get to this point? Wasn't there any other alternative?

He had been doing fine, leading a life alone. And all that meant. Routines, distractions. So what if he didn't sleep at night? He wasn't doing any better now. He had no appetite any more. Chuckling wryly to himself, he thought, "Boy, do I have the best weight-loss plan. Have your heart broken, you will lose lots of weight."

The weight of the metal seemed heavy in his hand. He had never really held something like this before. Its weight was unfamiliar, uncomfortable and alien. He still wasn't sure why he was holding it, why he couldn't put it down.

Then she had come into the picture. She had found the chinks in his armor, the holes in his walls. It was amazing how fast things changed, how quickly someone became part of you.
But some things were just never meant to be. She was fantastic, utterly breath-taking, she excited him on so many levels and in so many ways. She full-filled every fantasy, sometimes before he knew he had it. But she wasn't for him. It wasn't meant to be, no matter what he wanted, how much he wanted it, it was never going to happen. Believing different was the last step into insanity.

It was hard to breathe with this metal between his teeth. All he could think about was the way his teeth clinked on the metal. Was this it? Was this the way it was meant to end? He simply couldn't take the pain anymore, the doubt, the heartache, the loneliness, the hopelessness. The situation was never going to change, and he simply couldn't change his heart. It was hard to unlove someone. And he had tried. Was this how it ends? His mouth was drooling with being open as long it had been. Was he ready for this? To give up?

His phone rang. It was her, how she knew to call him at all the right moments, he would never know. As soon as she spoke, all the doubts and fears would disappear. He knew what felt right, he knew where he was meant to be. But every time they spoke, it was the same. The longing, the need, the desire. When she laughed, everything was forgotten. He knew everything would be alright, he knew that everything would be ok. Life made sense and he had a purpose with her around.

He pulled the gun from his mouth. Hope held his hand. Hope of a better life, hope of being able to feel loved at least a moment more, hope of feeling complete as only she could make him. Hope.

Hope.

Because he knew this was not the end. With or without her, life still moved on. It may be empty and cold, but he would always hope.