Empty

The house was empty when he came home. The house had been empty like this for so long; he had lost count of the days. She had left a long time ago, he really didn’t know why he would expect it to be different, but he did. He knew she wasn’t coming back. And yet, he still held on to his love and hoped.

He wandered through the house like he did every day. It had been an extremely long day at work, and he was wound tight. He needed to let go, but he just kept everything bottled inside. He stood in the kitchen for a long time staring at the refrigerator. He knew he should eat; he needed the food to provide the fuel for his body. Fuel to continue to live, to continue to work, at least for one more day.

The refrigerator held no answers for him. The ache in his heart never lessened. He had become used to it. It was a part of him. His friends told him he needed to move, he needed to let go and live his life. How could he tell them that without her, he had no more reason. She had been his everything, and now she was gone.

He turned and walked back to the front door, meaning to go upstairs and change clothes. Maybe the change of outfit would bring a desire to do more. He felt so apathetic most days, lacking the urge to do the simplest of things, eat, clean, bathe. Some days it was a struggle to leave his bed. He had prayed to GOD to end this suffering many times. All he got was silence. It seemed as if all his life was silence.

Walking to the stairs, he saw his camping gear. He toyed with the idea of putting it up, but lacked the motivation. It was just so hard to want to do things now. He went upstairs and looked in the mirror. The face that stared back at him was no longer his. He simply didn’t recognize it. A stranger stared back at him. He looked deep into his eyes. Where once he saw happiness and love, now was the grey of death staring back at him. When she had left, he had died that day.

Staring into his own soul, he simply couldn’t take it anymore. He walked into his room, and grabbed all the clothes he could find. He threw them into a bag. With a flurry of motion so uncharacteristic of the current self, he grabbed his gear.

Within the hour he was on the open road, he had no real idea of where he was going, he just knew it was time to go. His gear was haphazardly thrown in the backseat. He was a man possessed. The thought had grabbed ahold of him and wouldn’t let go. She was never coming back, and now neither was he.

He had no real idea of how long it had taken him to get there. He had just driven as long as he could. Then stopped and napped for as long as he could, then driven again. Time had lost all meaning for him. He was an arrow speeding towards his goal.

Finally at his destination, he took stock of everything he had brought. It didn’t take him long to pack what he really needed and discard the rest. He would never need it again. The choice he had made dictated that. It was time to leave it all behind.

Shouldering his pack, he strode into the woods. His pace was purposeful now, meaningful. He had a destination, a purpose. Reaching the first diversion of the trail, he paused and looked back the way he had come.

A single tear rolled down his cheek. For a moment, he wondered if this was the right decision. He was walking away from all he had known. Walking away from his family, his friends, his life. But he simply couldn’t take life without her. He no longer wanted to be around human beings. He didn’t want to let anyone into his circle. Didn’t want to let anyone close. Better to be a hermit. Better to die alone. She was never coming back. Death was final. His days were not long in number, but he simply couldn’t take being around other people anymore. He couldn’t take seeing the things in life that reminded him of her.

With renewed resolved, he turned and headed deeper into the forest, determined to never be seen again. This was the way it had to be. He missed her so much. But soon enough they would be joined again. Until then, he was prepared to live his life in solitude.

With each step he shed another layer of humanity, freeing himself to become the person he was meant to be. Some people were just meant to be alone.