Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Non-memory

Upon arriving in his hometown, he picked up his phone. He had a few calls to make as he made the last leg of his journey. He had driven this route so many times as a teenager, it was like he could drive on memory alone. This was the place where he had grown up. He once knew every crook and cranny. 


He had a few calls, calling friends he hadn't seen in years. "Hey, wassup, how you doing...." etc. Quick, edited amounts of history, where he had been, what he had been up to, how his life was going, he hadn't been home in a while.


The last time he had been home, he had vowed to never return. That was years ago, and that rebellious youth was long since pacified and contained. The system had won, and it had broken him, like it did so many others. But, oh, the fun he had had here as a youth. 


After making the first two calls, he scrolled down through his phone list. One more friend to call, and he was almost at his parent's house. He knew that he was going to have to visit for a while before he could head out to meet his friends, but he still needed to get in touch with all of them before night fell and the winds of chance caught hold of them. As he was scrolling down through the names, he saw it. Her name. He paused, looking out the window, lost in thought. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He missed her so much, but a life together was not meant to be. 


He thought about what it would be like bringing her home to his parent's house, introducing them to her. He knew his dad would have liked her, and his mom would love anyone who would put up with him. He smiled to himself, "No, she would have felt right at home with my parents." he thought. She would have loved them so much. He gazed out the window imagining how the evening would go with her there. 


Soon, he was brought out of his daydream by the crunch of gravel, it was almost time to make his turn. His thoughts turned away from her and back to the matter at hand. It was time to greet the parental units.


Later, as he was heading out to meet his friends, he once again thought about what it would have been like with her there with him. He drove the streets of his hometown, looking for the spots of distinct memories, pointing them out to her in his imagination. "There in front of that store, we used to hang out and drink. Yes, right there in the middle of town. The police weren't as strict then, as they are now. And this is where I met my first girlfriend....." 


Every spot he passed brought back more memories. The further around town, the more recent the memories got, leading up to that fateful day. The reason he left, swearing never to return. 


He sat in front of the church for a long while. He was way late to be meeting his friends. They had already called him several times. He hadn't answered, lost in thought. This was where his life had changed. He didn't know that what seemed like such a good decision at the time could have had such drastic effects on him. He hung in his head in sadness. He could almost feel her arms around him, her hand in his hair. She would comfort him instinctively, protecting him, showing him that she was there. He missed her so. 


Finally, shoving all the emotions deep inside him, he gathered himself and headed to meet his friends. As much as he missed her, life was what it was. And no amount of sadness was going to change this fact. As he drove away, he closed the doors to the walls, pushing every feeling inside. Memory time was over. The walls were firmly in place. He felt numb and devoid of life, but that was just how things were. 


Silently as he was driving away, he wondered what sort of memories he would have had.......

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