I couldn't take it.
I couldn't expose my soul in such a way. What would she think of me? Would she see all my flaws, my imperfections? Would she see the darker side I keep locked deep inside? Those eyes bored into my skull. I could feel them waiting.
How could I look her in the face? While I have done nothing wrong to her, that doesn't mean I don't have my secrets. I have things that you hide from the light of day, that you never let anyone see. Life is full of layers. Each person gets only so far into your layers. Some are closer than others.
Her eyes were tugging at mine, begging for me to connect. To share with her all my secrets. But to do so would burn away all the layers. To do so would be to trust. And trust has always led to hurt. Like a dog in Pavlov's experiment, I know that this bell brings pain. But to not trust is to be alone, to die.
The eyes were screaming at me now, full of tears and hurt. She can't understand what she has done to make me avoid her gaze like this. She knows she has hurt me - but I have forgiven , and she knows she will again. But for now, for now she just wants to look lovingly into my eyes and see that love returned. How could she know the turmoil inside? How could she know the demons I battle?
I can no longer hold back, my love for her is so strong. Knowing that she will hurt me, knowing that she will leave, I raise my eyes. I meet that golden gaze and bear my soul.
I can do no less.
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